So it’s 3:30am, you just finished pumping and preparing bottles, and wandering aimlessly around your house for the past 2 hours. It’s seems this is the only time you get a moment with yourself and spend some time with…. well, YOU.
Who is that by the way? Who are YOU? Have you figured that out yet?…No, of course you haven’t. You haven’t embraced the fact that there is indeed a new you because you have yet to mourn the loss of the old you. Yeah that’s right. I said ‘mourn’. When did she die?”, you might ask.
Well you probably didn’t realize it but she slowly began to fade away when you saw that plus sign on the pee stick that told you you’d be someone’s mama. It was at that moment that your life became consumed with caring for, preparing for, providing for, and constantly nourishing this other being. You had no idea that 9 months later when you pushed your sweet baby into this world and they took their first breath that she would take her last.
Yes, new mom, it’s time to mourn. Mourn the fact that you will no longer look in the mirror and see the person you once saw. Things will look differently, move differently. It will appear as if you and a tiger got into a fight and well, needless to say, he won. The glow that once left your skin, hair, and nails flawless will quickly cease and you’ll feel like you’re falling apart at the seams. Speaking of seams, don’t even think about trying to fit your pre-pregnancy clothes. They’ll make you feel like you gave up on life instead of just given life.
Your house is probably a mess, it’s been days since you’ve showered (I mean, really showered) and you probably can’t remember the last time you cooked a meal. Your hormones are all over the place because your body’s getting used to its previous tenant living outside of you on their own and the feeling of isolation begins to overwhelm you. But you utter not one word. So now you mourn in silence…
Why? Well, because then you’d seem ungrateful. As if you’re complaining about the very blessing that you prayed and thanked God for. No! You could never tell anyone how you’re really feeling. They’d think you were whining. They’re sharing every ounce of unsolicited advice about parenting and motherhood already. This would just give them another reason to tell you why you shouldn’t let the baby sleep with you in the bed or breastfeed past 6 months.
No you couldn’t dare say anything. There are people who’d die to be in your shoes, longing to carry a baby and experience the joys of motherhood. So then you start to feel guilty for ever letting the thought ever enter your mind. When people ask how you’re doing, you say, “I’m fine” because you really think you are. You don’t feel like you’re being dishonest because the truth is, you haven’t taken a moment long enough to meditate on the question and be honest with yourself. So you just take a deep breath, plaster on a smile, and get back to your motherly duties. After all, everyone’s watching and there’s a baby who needs you.
But just know that I get it. I wrote this letter to let you know you’re not alone. Your feelings are real and you don’t have to feel bad about them. This is all new to you and you’re still trying to find your way. After all, you’re a newborn too. So embrace it. Embrace the uncomfortable, embrace the uncertainty, and embrace the fact that you, my dear, will never, and I mean never, be the same.
It’s time to hang up the old identity of who you once were and embrace the discovery of a new one. So the next time I see you around new mom, don’t feel pressured to utter a word, just know that I get it. Because I too am wearing that same smile with that look in my eye.
Signed,
A New Mom
